Don't Let Me Curdle

Surprise, I came home for Christmas.  I baked and ate more cookies in a week than I have eaten in my lifetime, I laughed wildly at the hot water that came out of the faucet, and I cried joyous tears sleeping under a down comforter that must have been made from feathers sent down from angel’s wings in heaven… exuberant, palpable joy.  As did my travels in August, removing myself from one environment for another and then heading back again lent to some interesting reflection.  Two things really have stuck with me to share with you now.

First, surprising your family by coming home from your Peace Corps post in Lloa Ecuador does not guarantee that you will be greeted with loud, happy screams and tears of happiness.  To the contrary, all my surprises were very quiet and I guess that is what shock does to you, it leaves you frozen.

Second, being able to come home once in August and now again over Christmas has helped me gain perspective of the impact this experience is having on the development of who I am.  I think my transition home in 5 months will be made easier because of it.  It is like tempering an egg.  When you are cooking something like custard you need to add an egg to a warm sauce, but you can’t just crack it in, the egg would cook instantly and it would curdle.  So, you remove a bit of the sauce adding it to the egg.  Little by little you continue to do this until the egg is sufficiently warmed up and ready to mix in the sauce.  My soul is the egg in this analogy and through my two trips home my soul has slowly been tempered to understand the challenges I will face when I go home.

And I am trying to prepare myself now to challenges in adjustment not to technological, material, or environmental differences, but challenges in effectively navigating through difficult questions and assumptions expressed by others.

For instance… assumptions of what the reality must be in a land that has been labeled third world and developing.  What do you think of when you hear these things?  In reference to Ecuador these labels make me cringe.  I’m sure someone could give me a very good politically charged explanation of why Ecuador has these labels, but in the basics of life, working, eating, walking, talking… Ecuador is awesome.  How is it developing in a way any more or less than my beautiful country of the United States?  It is developing; sure, we are all developing.  First world and third world… what does that mean?  Is it a race?  Is the first world winning?  I don’t know.  Looking at the news over the past few years, and I am not speaking about anything political, but just looking at the behavior of people… the United States seems to have been hit with a lot of evil from its own citizens. 

Bracelets Made by Ms. Seiler's Class

Another assumption… The Peace Corps, what is it?  I know there are Peace Corps haters out there.  I ran into one woman in particular while visiting home in August who had a lot of negative things to say about the Peace Corps.  Although I know I shouldn't let it get to me, she has left a lasting impression on me.  What I was taken aback with was the amount of rage and what felt like hate toward my participation in the Peace Corps.  Although her point resonated in my mind, I cannot disagree more with the criticism she threw upon me.  For two years I have been working in social development through art, music, education... these things are hard to measure with facts and figures and charts and maps… but I hope that in realizing one’s self worth, will, and passions the internal result would be something sustainable.  Yes, it has been very difficult to work and motivate my counterpart; yes at times I have felt more than insignificant, but this is a feeling I now know very intimately and I can tell you it is a feeling I know I don’t want to feel.  I have never been so wound up to want to fight for my dreams and encourage others to fight for theirs.  And a second point of criticism I have occasionally heard is the question of why I am dedicating two years to another country when within our own country there is so much need.  To this I say I am a citizen of the United States, yes, but I am also a citizen of the world.  Ecuador has been my teacher.  I am not dedicating my life to her, just two years, and when I come back it will be with a set of lessons that I could not have found anywhere else.

Learning how to make Tamales!

The personally gratifying fruits of my service have not been something I have been able to taste.  It is when I return home that my service, in a way, will finally begin…  to share these stories throughout my lifetime.

When this experience started, 27 months stretched before me as a kind of eternity.  I don’t know that I will ever come as close to feeling the weight of eternity as I did when I first got off the plane in Ecuador.  BUT, now I tell you, eternity does end… well, maybe just in a physical sense.  Five months.  That is what I am looking at now.  Five months until I will be coming home.  And so I am glad I have tempered my soul through my visits home.  My time now is filled with less anxiety.  I will not race to the finish line, I can take more time to enjoy the energy of the farmers market behind my house each Sunday, to enjoy the clouds constant dance with the mountains, and to enjoy making bread with Mayra every Saturday morning.