In Spanish the subjunctive verb tense has always given me
the greatest trouble. For those of
you who are unfamiliar with this tense, a simple definition from my computer is:
subjunctive |səbˈjəNG(k)tiv| Grammar
adjective
relating to or denoting a mood of verbs
expressing what is imagined or wished or possible.
In middle school, in high school, in college, this tense was
presented to me. I sat trying to
memorize all the irregular forms and the basics of its verb structure in future
and past tense. Tests and quizzes
revealed that maybe in a moment I was able to remember from intentional cramming
the day before how to use the subjective.
But really, I learned how to thematically piece together letters; every
sentence it’s own puzzle. What I
did not understand was that the subjunctive is not simply a riddle to be solved
when writing or speaking. The
subjunctive is a way of looking at the world. The subjunctive is beautiful.
In
English we speak of wishes, desires, and possibilities, but this feeling of the
hypothetical, the unknown is not actively acknowledge in the structure of the
verb. In English we might say a
sentence like… “It may stop raining before you arrive.” In Spanish the same sentence would
read… “Puede dejar de llover antes de que llegue.” “Llegue,”is the subjunctive form of the word “llegar” which
means, “to arrive.” By structuring
the verb in this way you are actively acknowledging the free will of the other
individual. It is out of your
control when they will arrive or if they will at all. Though structuring the subjunctive still leaves me at times
tongue tied in conversations, over the past few years I have started to feel
the truth of it’s form in my interactions with others…
I
was inspired to write this now, because as I am getting ready to transition
home I have been more and more involved in sending emails and letters to people,
planning and organizing my life for when I return. As I have written these emails I’ve caught myself head
cocked sideways in concern mid-sentence.
Writing “you” feels disrespectful, as does the absence of the subjective
in the formation of verbs. These
perplexing moments have helped me realize that I really knew nothing of Spanish
when I arrived two years ago.
Spanish as a language and a subject cannot be understood through
memorization alone, it must be felt.
The brain cannot hold all the puzzles we try to cram in it. But the soul and the spirit, when
engaged in learning shape our perspective, our entire being, our perceptions,
and so now I can tell you that Spanish now has a major role in shaping my
everyday perspectives of myself and the world.
While
I have noticed that my thoughts are more frequently narrated in Spanish, when I
turn to my best friend, English words flow. And my best friend these past few years has been my
journal. My journal has helped me
de-tangle my thoughts and feeling in a way no one else has been able to. Submerged in feelings of nostalgia for
Lloa that I have prevailed upon my future self, my journal has more and more recorded the simple beauties
that have filled my days the past two years. An excerpt:
Sitting
here in my space I dare a hot mug of tea to burn my hands.
Through my two paneled, bug guts
smeared window I smile at the dance of shadows put on by the sun and the
clouds.
Quite within, quiet is the space
around me, but a dog barks from the street challenging the quiet within me,
this quiet only reaches so far.
Hum of the fridge hands me a
thought, dinner is coming… a warm bowl of Quinoa sounds nice.
Water sloshes, water swirls, a
bucket is dropped… through the wall Isabel must be washing clothes.
Slowly two feet drag across the
floor, gentle and soft they contrast with the loud slam of a door, and the feet
are gone. Goodbye Alonso.
The sun sinks lower in the sea of
clouds. It reaches a place it
reaches every day at this moment blinding the peripheral vision of my eye.
My eyes are burning, they have been
open all day, my bed looks nice, maybe I will lie down for a moment…
May is coming.
May is going to be a big month.
More thoughts soon.
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| Reading from the story "Ratoncita Sisa" for a video we're making |
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| Panama Hat Museum in Cuenca |
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| Training for Cotopaxi, Guagua Pichincha 15,000ft |
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| Creative Writing |
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| Puppet Workshop I helped with 15 hour south in Loja |
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| My Wonderful Friend, Stacey came to visit! |
