What
are you thankful for? At your
dinner table on Thanksgiving, do you think about this question? In the Brown´s house, this is never
something we formally express, but, through the act of making food together,
setting the table, making nifty nametags, smiling, laughing… it is felt that we
are all thankful for each other. Here
in Ecuador, in explaining Thanksgiving to people I have really begun to think
about this question. In this
moment, what are the things to which I would like to express thankfulness? My thought process starts with thoughts
about guilt… (Bear with me; I get
to the thankfulness part eventually!)
I
recently read an article about feelings of guilt that can accompany a PCV in
their community throughout their service.
The article did not surprise me at all, and maybe this is presumptive,
but I feel like a lot of times that is what you might expect to hear. Going from first world USA to a small
community in the third world, shouldn´t I expect to feel guilty when I see how
little others have in relation to how much I have waiting for me back at
home. And I am not referring to
only material things, but things like food, and the fact that I have the
privilege of choices in my life.
But, guilt is not a feeling I have had in my first six month in
Ecuador. I have felt guilty
before. Backing down on a promise
I made someone, forgetting to be somewhere, intentionally lying about
something… these things have left me rolling in feelings of guilt. I would describe myself as an
introverted person, and as such, feelings of guilt have left me paralyzed. So, to feel guilty would be completely
unproductive. How do I feel now? Sometimes I feel like I have been
thrown in a turtle shell and then asked to run, or like I am trying to swim
through a pool of honey. Words
like development and sustainability heighten these feelings. But, mixed with frustrations of having
my feet planted deep in mud (or maybe cow manure is a better image for Lloa), I
also feel incredibly lucky.
I feel lucky when I think about all the kids who are starting to become
my closest friends and my host sister Mayra who has already become an
influential figure into the development of who I am. And this is where guilt starts to swell ominously like
clouds in the horizon of my thoughts.
Its pending approach is what clarifies a reality for me. This reality being that guilt is an
emotion for me that I feel as the result of something I have done, an action I
made that I was able to control.
While I cannot feel guilty for being born into the situation I have in
life, I would feel guilty if I did nothing to try to understand other people
and how I can use what has been given to me to work with others. I would feel guilty if I left in two
years having done nothing to help Mayra see how amazing of a person she is, and
all that she can do in her life. I
would feel guilty if I didn’t make an effort to develop sincere relationships
with everyone I was able to. In
two years it will be relationships made that stick in memories forever.
And here is where I become thankful. I am thankful that as I write these words, I do so with
tears swelling in my eyes and with a distinct turning of emotions in the pit of
my stomach and cap of my mind. I
am thankful I am able to feel these things. These feelings are what motivate me, inspire me, and remind
me constantly that I am exactly where I am because I need to be here for my
community, but more directly, for me.
I am thankful that I was raised by a family who shares a capacity to
love that approaches unbearable limits, and I am thankful that the people of
Lloa are open to accept a similar kind of love that I feel compelled to
give.
So, Happy Thanksgiving! I
admit to having many moments where two years feels like an eternity and I
desperately miss home. But, then I
think about it for two minutes, and I continually find myself at the same
conclusion. I feel so lucky, so
thankful to be exactly where I am.
If you’re reading this and thinking about your own life, I hope you will
end up at the same conclusion.
